Captain Handi

I developed a character a while back.  His name is Captain Handi and he’s mentally handicapped.  Now before anyone gets out of joint about this let me say a few things about handicapped people.  My ex-wife has spent a lot of time in her career working with mentally handicapped people.  I assisted with a lot of events such as taking them bowling or to Cleveland Indians games.  I have bonded with several of them and they are the sweetest most lovable people because they have the innocence of children.  So when I thought up Capt Handi, I looked at the character as a tribute to these wonderful people.  There is something to be said about their child-like innocence  Here’s my latest interview with Captain Handi.  I hope you like him as much as I do.

Steve:  So Captain Handi, I hear that you’re looking forward to Christmas.

Capt. Handi:  I like July fourth too…but the rockeths scare me.

Steve:  Why do they scare you?

Capt. Handi:  They make loud noithes and it hurths my ears.  Do you know Sthanta?

Steve:  You mean Santa Claus?  No, I don’t know him but it’s that time of year.  Do you want anything special for Christmas?

Capt. Handi:  I want…I would like….I could be pleased with….ummm….

Steve:  Go ahead Captain….no rush.

Capt Handi:  Some Cheetoths!!

Steve:  That’s all you want?

Capt Handi:  And a talking toilet!  They make thosth in Japan you know. 

Steve:  Wow, that’s quite a gift list.

Capt Handi:  YETH!!!

Steve:  So why do they call you Captain Handi?

Capt Handi:  Becauth I’m handicapped….GEEZ LADY!!

Steve:  Okay, I suppose that makes sense.  What are your plans for Christmas?

Capt Handi:  I’m gonna get a bunch of dogs to pull my sled around the world and give thingth to stuff.

Steve:  That sounds like what Santa does…he has reindeer pull a sleigh around the world and gives things to children that are nice.

Capt Handi:  (confused look) What are you talkin about lady??

Steve:  You know….Santa Claus.  You’ve heard of him right?

Capt Handi:  Oh yeah, the skinny guy in the green suit?

Steve:  Close enough.  I heard that you have a theme song, is that true?

Capt Handi:  YETHHH!!!  Want to listen to me singing it to you so that you can hear my thong and maybe you might like the way my thong thounds and….and…..and

Steve:  Okay, let’s hear it!

Capt Handi:  (the old Oscar Meyer wiener song is how this goes)  Oh I wish I were a captain handi handi cap, everyone would be in love with meeee!!!!  I wish I were a captain handi handi cap, I'm as just as confused and complicated as I can beeee!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve:  Wow, that was great!  I think you might have a hit song on your hands.

Capt Handi:  (looking at his hands)  I just have thith old gum on thith one and dirt on thith one.

Steve:  Well thank you for coming in today Captain Handi.  I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

Capt Handi:  THANKTH LADY!!

I hope you liked Captain Handi.  He’s often “confused and complicated” as he stated but he means well and he cares about others.  He’s sometimes aggravated quickly but if you know any children, that’s standard operating procedure.  If you liked him let me know and I’ll bring more interviews to the blog.